Change a Habit in 10days.

yeah, so i heard, or maybe i read it somewhere that when you're trying to either break a habit or break into a habit it takes about ten days and the first three are the hardest. i mean, tha whole process was said to be hard...ya know, incorporating some kind of permanent change in your life always is. but...UGH, it brings soo MUCH freaking anxiety. like, in different forms. i get anxious and my body temp goes up...like i can feel my face getting hot..kinda like when i get mad. i can feel tha blood flow in my extremities, my phalanges and sometimes even my belly button. i know it sounds really weird...but that's really how i know i'm under a lot of stress. everything kinda freaks me out and i become introverted and start focusing on whatever is stressing me out to tha max!

---i was talking to my beloved bFFfL, harry about a sitch in his life and i heard myself something out loud that i've been carrying around for a long time. tha way, i always go back to some ex-"love of my life" as a comfort when i enter a new stage in my life or encounter uncomfortable amounts of stress and anxiety. like when i graduated and moved on to college, i think i made i harder on myself to break up with my ex, Joshua because moving to a new city made me so anxious. i was worried about making friends, keeping my scholarship, grades, money... just beginning a new stage w/o anyone i knew was KILLER, so i continued a kind of jinky and unhealthy relationship with Joshua. like, whenever i came home for holiday breaks, we'd kinda pretend that we were together, even though i was certain that he had begun dating again and so had i. but he was sooo comforting, he was always there. he was tha one i'd drunk call. or cry to, ugh! i love that kid, &to this day, i still do. but i got accustomed to my new life and i kinda moved on from him.

&so it continued. ya know, i'd always run back to Pat when something went wrong. just so i could vent. i prob woulda ran back to Josh but i think he changed his number on me or something. maybe i broke my phone and lost it. i dunno, whatevs. then, recently, it was a battle between Pat and tha BD. lol. ---yeah, it's kinda weird. anytime, my BD was acting crazy or if i just couldn't deal with his shit anymore, i'd just call Pat. it was so convenient and comforting because Pat hated his fucking guts for getting me pregnant and ultimately leaving me in tha first place. so, it wasn't like Pat would try to talk sense into me. He'd always be like, "baby, i love you, so much. fuck that liteskin nigga. i'll beat his ass. i'll kill him for you. i'll come get you and mase and yall can come stay with ME!" &i loved it. i don't think i'm so much in love w/ Pat still, it's just he's a constant. he never changes. he's like your favo pair of undies. you buy new ones but none of them really fit like your favs so you'll never throw them out. But then again, when i was going through something stressful in my life, just in general, i'd call my BD and pretend like i wanted to be with him, because that's tha only way he'd express much concern. &oddly, it was comforting. or maybe it was more like a diversion, like a little get-away from what i probably should have been dealing with head-on in tha FIRST place.

i'd always create this kind of fantasy life with him and tell him how i wanted to be with him and it would last for a couple days, maybe a week or so, until i realized that whatever i was stressed about didn't/wouldn't kill me or it was resolved somehow... i'd go back to how i really feel about that nigga, &he'd always call me a flip-flopper. [actually, i've been called that before and now that i think about it...i was probably doing tha same thing w/ him too. kinda using him as a safety net to get over a hump in my life.] ---that's KINDA fucked up but not really, i mean i AM human. but i know that's not right, now. Primarily, because i NOW know tha confusion tha other party goes through. [excluding Pat, because though he'd tell me all that stuff, which i never believed..he kept doing him. lol. &that's why i love him so much. he's a real nigga. he plays his role and keeps shit moving. lol. LOVE that KID. like fo'real!]

Harry was so fucking confused about what to do in this certain sitch, because on his end he was getting mixed signals. honestly, i prob couldn'tve given two or more fucks about how THEY REALLY felt [at that specfic time], because i was sooo stressed and instead of really talking about what was stressing me, i'd make light of it and just let tha convo drift into something that i was more comfortable talking about like...awesome sex, tha love that i used to have for them, or something that involved our past [tha good times only...] that would ALWAYS make me smile and feel better. so i'd do it more often and regularly and may have seemed to tha COMFORTguy that i might want to be with them somehow or...like i actually sit and think about them all tha time. lol. i know it sounds kinda heartless so that's why i've decided to try something new...

when i get anxious, stressed and fill with doubt, i'm gonna try not to run back to any of the aforementioned COMFORTguys. yesterday was tha first day and it went well, in a sense that i didn't call anyone, BUT ...today, i'm soo shaky... and i'm hungry but can't really eat. i mean...i had some ribs and lima beans &rice &a big ass cup of red kool-aid.. [YUM] but still...i feel hungry. or maybe it's butterflies...which are really nervousness which comes from my anxiety and doubt about tha unknown! ---day#2 bitches, &these withdrawal symptoms are NOT tha bizness! at all. i think it's not going so well, because i haven't really replaced these guys with anything. maybe i should start exercising again...

writing this blog kinda helped.
ugh. any suggestions?
=/