a YEAR ago TODAY...

Today is such a DAY for me! ---a YEAR ago, today, i think i made tha realest and most life changing decision of my life and went a little something like this...

so, i met this dude in march 2008 ---i was instantly attracted to him because he was SO freakin' tall. like 6'3" maybe 4"-ish. but he was REALLY tall and yall know i LOVE height. at first, it started out as a casual sex thing and quickly grew into what i believe now to be a rabid cross between LOVE &LUST. like ...i think it was an extreme case of both. but anywhooo, soon after we had began this relationship, i got into a car accident. I was trying to cross traffic because my significant other wanted to eat at some restaurant across tha street or something...&some impatient driver sped down the median and plowed into tha side of my Lexus ES 300 and i thought i died. I wasn't really hurt but my car was no more. i knew i would NEVER see her again &i cried my eyes out. I phoned my mom and told her about tha accident and she insisted that i go to tha emergency room. so, mom made a trip to ATL and took me to tha doctor. so, as anyone knows well, females ...tha doctor has to take a pregnancy test on you before they do x-rays because radiation is harmful to the fetus.

So, i sat there waiting for the doctor to come in and direct me to get my x-rays. he came in and said... "i'm sorry, but i can only give you this splint because you're pregnant." i died. i think i may have died twice. my mother and bf at tha time where sitting in tha waiting room. i was almost certain my life was over. i txted my bf "i'm pregnant." ...he txted me back "i knew it." my mom came back to see why it was taking so long for them to get me out of there, seeing as to i wasn't really injured. ---i then burst into tears and told her i wanted to come home. i wanted to transfer from GSU and go to C of C and leave ATL because i hated it! i hated tha people. i hated tha city, i hated everything about it! ---she told me, "no." she told me that i can't run away from my problems and that i need to deal with them because all they will do is FOLLOW me wherever i end up. i told her to send my bf in. when he sat down, the doctor came in. The doctor asked if he could talk openly. i said "yes. this is my boyfriend." ---he said, "well, it looks like you're between 4-6wks pregnant." and he handed me ALLLLL this paper work. telling me where i could find prenatal care, OBGYN, pharmacies, counseling...everything. i took it threw it in my bag and left. my mom left ATL the next day and i cried. i cried for about 4 hours straight. i decided that having an abortion was tha best thing to do, because i KNEW tha lifestyle that HE was accustomed to &me &a baby didn't fit into that.

so, i called around trying to find abortion clinics and pricings for tha procedure. i found a place that was rather popular. i told her my situation and she told me that they start at 6wks and to call back next week when i knew for sure that i was at least 6wks prego. so i did. i got tha price and a date! i had psyched myself out and was prepared to have this surgery done. i told HIM how much it was, &he some how got tha money. since no one else knew about this, and i no longer had my car &he didn't have one either... he asked a friend to take us to the appt.
---the day before the appt., he picked a fight with me about something VERY stupid and disappeared. he didn't call or come by my apartment. i got scared that something had happened to him and was trying to make sure that he would be able to make the appt w/ a money order so we could get this over with, so i called the friend that was supposed to take us. evn HE couldn't find him. or at least that's wht he told me. ---i then get a call,:

"WHY THA FUCK DID YOU CALL JOHN? WHY YOU CALLING AROUND ASKING PEOPLE ABOUT ME?!"
"what? i just wanted to know what happened to you." ...
"MAN, FUCK YOU! BLAH--BLAH-BLAH! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU BETTER FIND ANOTHER WAY TO PAY FOR THIS ABORTION CUZ I'M NOT GIVING YOU MY MONEY!" ...
"what?!!??!!! i'll get half. i'll just tell my mom. &she'll send me half."...
"WELL, I'LL GET OVER THERE WHEN I CAN. BYE"
*click*

my heart sank to my butthole! i was almost certain that i wouldn't be able to afford half, because i had no idea how my mother would react. but i figured i could get one of my friends to help me out if i told them EXACTLY what was going on. somehow, we made up. don't ask me how or why. i was very stupid and pregnant. &if you've never been alone or pregnant, you can't even imagine tha depression, a lonely pregnant female goes through. i stopped eating for a very long time. relationships with most of my friends went sore. i didn't have a means to contact anyone and i really didn't have ANYONE i could talk to. HE was tha ONLY person that KNEW anything about this situation at least for me &i was ABSOLUTELY ALONE. time pressed on. i got more pregnant, but didn't really show any signs. other than that my boobs were massively massive and my hair was thick as hell.---i partied. hard. i cried. harder. i wasn't a well person. and so we tried AGAIN...

the appt was set for 10am. though, it took forever to get there, we got there on time. &signed up for everything! i was ready. HE goes and asks tha receptionist if he could go and come back. she said that the patient's driver is supposed to stay w/ tha patient tha ENTIRE time. he said that he'd be right back. the receptionist said to be back before 3 o'clock and i could STILL make surgery for tha day. i was SOOO nervous. i figured that whatev he had to do, he'd be back in time. ---HE was like, "babe. let's go. we'll be back." Little did i know that we would be traveling around tha globe. &of course, we missed tha appt. i cried!! i cried sooo hard. i started to give up. but HE said we could try AGAIN next week:

tha next week comes around and i'm ready AGAIN. or so i thought. i go in...get an ultrasound, so they could determine how far along i was. you have the option to see tha ultrasound or not &i opted to see it. ---it was as moving as i thought i was going to be. i didn't change my mind about tha abortion when i saw it...i just was like ..oh. wow. okay. ---but anywhoo, sooo i go back to tha waiting room until they call me back up &when they did ...i was in for a SHOCK! i was farther along than we thought and tha price was almost DOUBLE! we couldn't afford it. i HAD to call my mom.

"hey, mom. what are you doing?"
"HEY, DANI. WHAT HAPPENED? WHATCHU WANT?"
"well, i kinda got something to tell you."
"OMG. ARE YOU PREGNANT?"
"yes."
"HUH?"
"yes."
"SO. WHATCHU WANNA DO ABOUT IT?"
"we can't keep it. we already have half tha money."
"OKAY. WELL, COME HOME THIS WEEKEND AND WE'LL TALK."
"ok"
*click*

---and so, i packed for my trip home. i left on a saturday to come back w/my mom tha next wkend for my appt. when i got home, i had opportunity to tell my sisters that i was pregnant.
"OMG. ARE YOU SERIOUS? WHYYYY? YOU ARE SO STUPID. WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOUL D BE SO STUPID. WHAT ABOUT SCHOOL? WHAT ABOUT YOUR LIFE? ---YOU ARE THA STUPIDEST PERSON I KNOW. WOW. DANI. WOW. REALLY? WOW."

for some odd reason, i really wasn't expecting that from them. i don't think i was expecting them to be happy. i think i was expecting curiousity but compassion. like support or something. i really didn't expect that AT ALL. &since then, i haven't really looked at them tha same. i mean, they are my family, but ...i dunno. it's really different now. i can't really explain it. but i don't feel comfortable talking to them about some personal issues. i don't feel comfortable venting or telling them how i really feel about certain things. basically, i'd probably only tell them things i'd tell a complete stranger. i'm a really open person, so that includes A LOT of things that some ppl may consider personal, but ...it's really not. but anywhooo...

i go back the next week to pack up my apartment and move back to charleston until school started in about 3 weeks. ---HE helped me move out. tha next day we went to the abortion clinic. paid. went through tha ultrasound and i was just waiting to be called dwn to surgery. as i sat there, HE started devulging his "heart" to me. all of a sudden, he REALLY wanted this baby. he REALLY wanted a family and that's really all i needed. i didn't want to have an abortion. i just didn't want to be alone, if i kept it. when i found out that he ACTUALLY WANTED to keep it. i was almost relieved. i called my mom out in tha hallway &he explained to her what he explained to me. he basically said that everything would be taken care of and ALL i would have to worry about was school. he'd have a place for us to stay by tha time school started and everything would be fine. i believed him. she didn't. but it was MY choice to make. ---since i was having reservations, tha counselor wouldn't let me go through with tha surgery. my heart once again fell in my BUTT!

i told my mom what they said.
she was upset. they told us that i would have to get evaluated and cleared by a counselor at PLANNED PARENTHOOD in order to have tha abortion. at that point i was like FUCK IT! i was so ready to leave ATL. if HE said that everything would be ok, then i believed him. AND THAT DAY, [a YEAR ago TODAY...] was tha start of a whole new world, that i was NOT prepared for.

in those 3 short weeks everything feel apart. everything got worse from then on. i got severely depressed and that's not a good feeling when you're 6mths prego. BUT i figured once he SAW our son. once he SAW that we created a person &we were fully responsible for his well-being...that MAYBE he'd want to be more proactive. NO. he didn't. HE was less than a part-time parent. HE completely disappeared. HE caused me more stress than my newborn and my family. HE was like a tumor that i couldn't get rid of. HE was effecting EVERY aspect of my life. HE was inconsiderate and mostly SELFISH. ---he was a monster.

in my heart, i thought my life was over. i was almost certain that i'd be single for tha rest of my life. who would want a 21yr old with a 4month old son? i felt ugly, i felt used, i felt damaged. I was a VERY broken person. I had absolutely NO ONE to confide in &it showed. i became very mean and nasty and my relationship with my friends and family were very damaged and broken. ---then one day, i just cried. i cried a cry that i wanted to cry for about 9months or so. I was so disappointed myself. I was so ashamed at the type of person i had become. i used to be cool and everybody wanted to be around me and know me. but as soon as, times got hard NO ONE was there. &tha ppl that TRIED to be there only did so because they felt obligated. &sometimes, it STILL feels that way, BUT...

i'm much happier now. i've established a connection with God and my son that no one will ever be able to break. i've made a plan for myself that i am GOING to stick to. my son has been more than an inspiration to me. he makes me feel pretty and confident. he makes me happy when at times, i just wanna be sad. he keeps me company when everyone else has plans. ---i'm not saying it's tha most fun i've had, because right now, it's more stressful than not. i'm still building and learning when it comes to my situation. Being a mother is the most work i've ever done and i didn't even really apply for this position,but i'm learning.

I just want to tell whomever is reading this that ALL things are possible through Jesus Christ. Just stay focused and take care of your responsibilities. if you do what you're supposed to do, things will get better. if you keep your priorities straight, you'll be EVERYTHING you were meant to be. I consider my son a blessing because he showed me WHO is father really was & WHO i really am. He stopped me from going down a very dangerous road and i thank him everyday by being tha BEST mother i can be.

so. thanks for celebrating this day with me.
pce.