gRRr. so this is how it's going to be.

yeah. so. i think tha other day was tha first time i actually spoke to my BD without arguing or lying or talking about false hope. it was weird. he blocked his freaking number from me. I mean i'm not even going to lie, i miss tha kid. i miss his stupid little remarks, i miss tha way he mispronounced words and used euphamisms incorrectly and how i ALWAYS corrected him, [only because it's a pet peeve of mine, not to be bitchy.] but anywho....

but you know when you're going through a break up, you remember all the good times that you guys had and you begin to think about what could work and how you could maybe change the way you look at tha situation. and usually, you convince yourself that maybe you guys just needed this lil' 2 week break and now, you guys can be together. FO'REAL this time. but, i'm looking back on our relationship as a whole. tha shit started off fucked up [literally.] and just went downhill from there. we never really dated. we never really got to know each other before we decided that we should be connected for the rest of our lives. or at least until, mase gets grown and we don't have to discuss his upbringing anymore. ---i can't remember where i heard this or saw this little saying but i say it to myself, EVERYTIME i get into 'tha break up slump'..."Good sex makes it hard to work on the BAD things in a relationship." and that was sooo, true. i mean it took a couple times, to actually be ...umm... ya know. but he was up to having sex like 4 times in one ...umm, acquaintance. then he'd go do his thing. or we'd sleep. or eat and then 4 more times. =/ ---i knew he was immature. i knew he was irresponsible, but i didn't care because anytime we began to discuss our future we'd have sex and those FUCKING endorphines would make my brain disregard EVERYTHING i knew was true.

grRRr. so this is how it's going to be.
awkward conversation.
thoughts as if you're still in a relationship.
tha urge to ask.."where you at?" "who you wit?" ..."you fucking?"
one of the biggest PILLS i'm going to have to swallow during this entire ordeal...is...
tha fact that i LOVE him. i LOVE him so much that i had his first child. his son.
i LOVE him so much that i put myself in the oddest and sometimes, least safe situations.
i LOVE him so much that i pushed him to tha point where he would actually take some initiative to better himself, his future, his LIFE [even if it was out of spite. to prove me "100% wrong."] and some other, unappreciative, in that case, lucky female is going to end up with tha man, i was trying to make him ALL along. ---and it's going to hurt. it's going to open up old scars when my son comes home from visiting 'daddy' and says "mommy, daddy's getting married to Miss [StankAssBitch]" or something like that...

solution: i'm preparing myself. i'm focusing on my future. school. and getting myself together. because i can't be any use to ANY man, my BD or anyone else if i'm not on my shit. and TRUST bitches, i'm getting there. i'm making decisions and plans and STICKING to them. and best of all, i'm not holding any grudges, i'm not guarding my heart. i'm not gonna walk around all bitter and shit, complaining about why i don't have what other ppl do. and i'mma be STRAIGHT as hell. that THAT'S how it's REALLY gonna be.

mixx dat.