i'm BACK.

yeah. so, i've been severely MIA, tha tasks and duties of motherhood, school &work have kept me from my little piece of bliss. my own little corner in tha cyberworld where i can DO &SAY whatever tha FUCK i want... heehee. i know you guys missed me. &if you didn't that's cool too. to each his own...

so i was looking for this poem that i wrote about my boo, i originally posted it on fbook but i deactivated my account some months ago & could've SWORN i emailed to myself... but anywho. in my quest to find my gosh darn piece i stumbled acrossed the beginnings of my life story...
i was in a different state of mind back then... about 6 months ago. &now, i dont think i'll be able to finish...at least not in tha same direction i was going at first. i haven't proofread &i just skimmed over tha first paragraph before i thought i posting it here. so bare with tha grammatic errors and shit... i MAY or MAY NOT go back and fix 'em... anywho..

ENJOY.. or not...

So many things have become much more clear; now that I am at the threshold of my quasi-independence. To be a mother is the ultimate gift &to give life is the ultimate blessing. With that blessing comes ultimate sacrifice, of a lifestyle of leisure, irresponsibility and selfishness.
One cannot understand the pride of motherhood nor the mindset of success &pure unconditional love. Everyone wants to be successful and some are lucky enough to experience true love but motherhood takes those desires and expands them exponentially. A span that almost seems impossible at first glance when one has limited or no immediate resources. So here I am teetering between adulthood and motherhood, a limbo that i've become far too acquainted with for far too long.
My decision to dive head first into what seemed like an appropriate depth; has left me still searching for the bottom. So often has my mindset been that if I finally reach the bottom, then i'll have nowhere to go but up. As soon as I am about to accept defeat, a voice tells me that he has faith that we'll succeed; he is confident in my strength and my abilities. It is then that I pray to the Father for strength not only to tread the waves of tribulations for myself but also for the trials and encroachments beating the shores of my son and my future husband.
My main goal is just to become established. And before today, I thought that if I could just make something occur, practically spontaneous and overnight, that I could finagle my way to a more self satisfying lifestyle. B. A. M. N.---by any means necessary. But as time progressed, things progressively got worse and postpartum depression become a euphamism for my daily life happenings. Anytime I spent alone, I cried. Cried, not to release emotions of frustration, anger or fear but just to decrease the oxygen flow to my cerebral cortex and induce a comatose-like state until my baby woke up, my, then, baby's father called or my mother came home with news of social interaction with individuals that did more than eat, sleep and blow gigantic saliva-based spherical rotunds.
My life had become what my siblings and I rolled over insulting, poking fun and mocking as young adolescents. I felt I had disappointed them, parents and myself. Quickly, things began spiralling out of control and lost become a daily routine. I want better for myself. For my son. For my family. On saturday, april 25, 2009, my journey has begun to become my dream; the american dream ---a better person, responsible mother and loving wife. This is my story.